On identity and belonging
I've been feeling a little unsettled. Adrift. Unanchored? A planner without a plan....well, I have a loose one. This week I left work in the NHS after 15 years, 14 of them at the same trust. The same amount of time I was married. As I removed my name plate from my clinic room door for the last time, I sat and looked at it for a while thinking about the fact that I don't identify as Mrs Townend any more. I will never again say the words "Hello I'm Sarah Townend, one of the lead optometrists here"....and I feel relief about that, because that isn't who I am. But who am I then? I don't feel I belong with the Townends. I don't feel a part of that family now. When we visit them I don't feel relaxed like I'm with family, I feel reserved and closed off, I'm wearing a mask for them. I don't feel like a Mrs, because I'm not a wife. That may surprise some, I know a lot of widows still consider themselves married to their late spouse