On identity and belonging

 I've been feeling a little unsettled. Adrift. Unanchored? A planner without a plan....well, I have a loose one.  This week I left work in the NHS after 15 years, 14 of them at the same trust.  The same amount of time I was married.  As I removed my name plate from my clinic room door for the last time, I sat and looked at it for a while thinking about the fact that I don't identify as Mrs Townend any more.  I will never again say the words "Hello I'm Sarah Townend, one of the lead optometrists here"....and I feel relief about that, because that isn't who I am.  But who am I then?

I don't feel I belong with the Townends. I don't feel a part of that family now. When we visit them I don't feel relaxed like I'm with family, I feel reserved and closed off,  I'm wearing a mask for them.  I don't feel like a Mrs, because I'm not a wife.  That may surprise some, I know a lot of widows still consider themselves married to their late spouse but I don't. He decided to leave himself, and in so doing he left his son, and me. I'm not married.   But I'm also not a Miss. I don't identify with my maiden name either.  I'm not a spinster...I was married.  Ms conjours for me the image of a middle age divorcée, which isn't me either.  No clean answer.

At my leaving do last night, my manager said we are defined by our profession.  I get what she means; one of the first questions we ask each other on meeting is "what do you do?". I enjoyed being able to say "I'm an optometrist" without having to explain what that meant I actually did. But now I'm not an optometrist. Well, I am, but I'm not working at the moment. Should I say I'm....on a career break?  I could say I'm a self employed optometrist, as that is the truth, for now at least.  I will soon be a trainee counsellor as well as a self employed optometrist.  Again, no clean answer.

As a Christian, I should say "My identity is in Christ".  And it is.  I'm a child of God, and He is my anchor.....but....I don't feel that I belong in church either.  I don't fit with the complete families any more, but I also don't belong with the singles.  Yes, families come in all shapes and sizes of course, but I'm the only lone parent in a huge congregation.  a few of the families have not spoken to me at all since he died.   Not out of malice I am sure but out of a complete loss as to what to say or how to relate to me.  I get it.  There's no clean answer. 

I just don't know who I am anymore.


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