Ramblings of a Reluctant Widow

 So, yesterday. You couldn't make it up! It was one thing after another: 7am email from the coroner's officer to say the inquest has to be postponed as not all the evidence is back.   Not a good start to the day this triggered all sorts of feelings of frustration, disappointment. Trauma going on and on, what about work? I'd been thinking return after the inquest but now that's delayed....... 9am: Roofer arrives to see what the cause of my leak is.  Turns out the join between mine and the neighbours' roof is a bad job.......however, neighbours' roof is in a terrible state and in his words 'I can improve the join, but it'd be like making a silk purse out of a pigs ear, I couldn't guarantee it". Marvellous now I have to ask the neighbours to get a new roof in order to stop my bedroom ceiling falling in?  10am decide to stick to our plan of train to Liverpool to go to the world museum. Scrape side of car on a low wall in the station car park. Say &#

This morning's reading. Colossians 3 v12. Forgive as the Lord forgave you . It's a big challenge for me this one.  I have a lot to fogive.  A lot of stuff and a lot of people. I'm not sure I can. Not in my own strength anyway.  Forgiving means letting go of the anger, and that means letting in the grief. And that is terrifying. Help me Lord. 

Today I took a walk with a Christian friend, also once widowed, further along and wiser than me.  I confided my desire to retrain as a counsellor, and that I feel strongly convicted that it is the right path but was concerned about the logistics as a lot of courses appear to be run in the evening, which I can't now do.   But, if its right God will make a way I told her, more confidently than I felt. She told me that she thinks it's a brilliant idea, that I'd be awesome, and God will indeed make a way.   Such a faith enhancing response after a few raised eyebrows, suprised faces and even one wince when I've confided this plan before.   Tonight's devotional gave me this quote which I felt compelled to write in my self esteem journal, followed below by the lyrics of one of my favourite worship songs.  He will carve a path for me. 

Watching This is Going to Hurt for some light releif.  25week baby delievered by emergency c section. Scenes of the Dr talking to the baby in the incubator. Saying he's sorry, he did his best.  Shit. This was supposed to make me laugh not cry. I was pregnant, then I wasn't. I was a wife, then I wasn't. How many more 18 wheeler trucks are going to run over my life?  Sick of this shit..so sick of it . 

Today, I feel sad. I know this is how grief works, I know it's not linear. I know there will be harder times and less hard times.  I've done it before, remember? I'm an expert. I'm so tired to this shit. I've been through enough already. I don't want this life. I don't want to feel this way any more.  Mark how could you do this to me, you selfish bastard????? 

One of the worst things about single life, for me, is not having anyone to tell when I feel low. Yes, I can call or text family or friends, but it's just not the same as having that person to sit with you and hold you and make you feel safe, and that's it's going to be OK.  I'm that person for Oliver, I don't have that person for me.  He's gone, and left me feeling anything but  safe, every emotion apart from everything's going to be OK. The anxiety is back.  Not with a vengeance; it's not as bad as it was before Christmas, but more with a poke in the back, a sneer. Like a  playground bully it's always lurking around the corner waiting to step into my path and spoil my day. Im not sure what's triggered it. But I've woken the last three mornings with the shallow breath, the racing heart, the feeling of unease and fear. Adrenaline surges and I realise I'm clenching my jaw again. And again. And again.  I am putting it down to my approaching

I have made some changes in the house. Once I decided not to move and uproot us, I decided I needed to make the house "mine" rather than "ours". ie, it needed to be changed.  The dining room and hallway needed redecorating anyway, so I've started there, and yesterday my new front door was installed. Not only has it met my aim of making the house feel more secure, I am really hoping it will also help to stop the flash backs of the police standing at my old front door as I pull onto the drive. Time will tell on that, but I am hopeful.   Like everything in this new life I feel very mixed emotions. I am enjoying the freedom to make these decisions for me, without having to consider someone else's taste or opinion.  And each decision I make it gets easier to make the next one.  I am enjoying the boost to my self esteem as I prove to myself that I can make choices, and good ones at that. It is certainly helping my mental health.   However the flip side of the coin

It's a set back day. That's all. I need to remember to rationalise this.  I've been doing so well. I've planned out (as planning is my nature) and agreed with my manager what I think returning to work will look like in terms of a slow phased return next month. K and I agreed this week that we will let out the leash a little bit and I will see him next in two weeks, not one.  I realised during the session that I hadn't used my blog all week...because I hadn't needed to. Anxiety has not got the better of me at all this week, and I've guided Oliver out of his own meltdowns faster and with less shouting than before. Go me! I thought, maybe I really have "got this". So today. Today I had a "routine, tick box exercise" call with occy health.  Supposedly to make sure the trust is supporting me and doing everything right by me.  Well, I thought they were, until that call.  The matronly sounding nurse patronised the hell out of me, questioned why