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This sucks.

I'm riding a big grief wave today.  The antidepressants are starting to take their toll, three days in and I'm extremely tearful.....possibly better than the numbness I felt yesterday? I'm not sure. Physically they are making me nauseous, shaky and a racing heart.  I've been given a beta blocker to counteract that.  I don't like taking medications, and certainly don't want to be taking pills to counteract the pills, but I committed to this so I'm ploughing on and following the advice.   I was a little foolish earlier and phoned the stone masons to organise a plaque for Mark's resting place.  It's one of the final bits of sad-min to do and I wanted it boxed off.  I completely broke down on the phone; the poor man was lovely and suggested I call him back.  Cue a text to my mum to ask her to do it for me.  I should be stressing over his Christmas gift not a memorial stone. FFS.  Facebook keeps showing me ads for memorial jewellery.  An...
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Birthday parties

Oliver had a friend's birthday party today. We had a nice time.  Now I'm now emotionally drained. I feel really sad, angry, and resentful that I have to do these things alone now.  Every parent there today went alone, apart from the birthday boy's parents, but all the others would go home to that second adult to help them deal with the hyperactive sugar-fuelled small child.  I joked with a few of them that it was their turn this week, since there was another party last weekend, leaving unsaid the obvious point that I no longer get to take turns.  And the next time Oliver is the birthday boy? Well, I will be doing that alone too, on top of dealing with the emotion of his dad not seeing him turn six, and knowing we will be just a month away from the anniversary. I know I can't live my life always looking ahead to the next hard thing...... But I did not sign up for this. I miss being a team. I miss the man I married. I'm exhausted. I just want to scream. None of this i...
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Chinks of light

 Today, I feel the best I've felt since Mark died.  I thought it was important to write that down. It's very easy to focus on the negative and gloss over or take for granted the good. Like a consumer quick to complain but slow to compliment. So I'll say it again Today, I feel the best I've felt since Mark died.  I have left a couple of wattsapp groups that were not helping me and infact were making me feel worse. My counselor helped me to see that that isn't selfish or passive agressive, but making a stand and setting a boundary, and yes, putting myself first for a change.  It feels good.  I've had a big blitz in the kitchen and am slowly clearing out the detritus and clutter 20- odd years of living with a hoarder has accumulated. Amazing what I just learned to tolerate over the years. Well. As someone who should know better said to me the day after the funeral "look at this as a new start for you and Oliver"....Today I am.
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