The little white pills

After an honest chat with my GP including admitting the intrusive thoughts and being open about feeling overwhelmed, he agreed to prescribe a mild antidepressant to help. So I took my first half dose today. 

Mixed feelings. After Bertie died I was adamant I didn't want them. I was not depressed, I was grieving and I needed to feel it all and not walk around in a fog.

This time, I recognise there are elements of depression, and definite anxiety about the future. I don't have the luxury of hiding in bed all day this time, I'm a lone parent and Oliver needs me well and functioning. And beyond that, I don't want to just function, I want to enjoy our life together whilst he's still so small. I lost my early 30s to severe depression, I won't lose Oliver's single digit years too. I just won't allow it.

I'm nervous, as I'm told it gets worse before it gets better with SSRIs.... But forewarned is forearmed and I have my support army around me.  A few more regular check ins over the next couple of weeks would be great please. 

Three weeks to Marks interment.... So I'm hoping I'll be on a more even keel by then.

No pressure little white pills..... But I'm counting on you


. 

Ps random thought. I'm not sure Mark would approve of me being so honest with you. But he's not here so tough.  I'll do me. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Checking in with myself

 My counsellor is on holiday this week and I'm away next week, so I'll be missing 3 sessions. She advised me to take some time to check in with myself and see how I am doing, as I usually would with her.  Because I find that if i just think it, the thoughts stay in my head, I'll write them down here.  That approach forces me to be honest with the people who care enough to read this, as if you ask me directly I am likely to say "I'm OK".  It has been an up and down couple of weeks. Well, when isn't it? Life has been ticking along as it does, we are mostly into our groove now, Oliver and I.  It's the school holidays and we are enjoying spending time together.   Considering in the early weeks the weekends felt long and daunting, this is great news.  We have had a couple of events that hilighted Mark's absence. Our 15th wedding anniversary passed by quietly, because I made sure it did. I took Oliver out for the day and kept busy. I braced myself for a...
Read more

What would I say to her?

A Facebook memory came up today, a picture of me at Christmas 14 years ago.  My first thought - wow she looks young was s quickly followed by the realisation that the picture pre dates the toughest decade of my life.  ' She ' isn't ' me '. She is untouched by grief and loss. She hasn't felt betrayal or abandonment. She is a newly wed with no idea that she will bury her baby and her husband before middle age.   I wondered what I would say to her if I could go back and visit her?  Would I tell her of the unspeakable grief she had ahead of her? No.  I would let her keep her innocence as long as she could.   I think I would tell her to believe in herself more because she is a warrior.  That life is short so seize every opportunity.  To make plans but hold them lightly because life so rarely goes to plan.  Talk to God more, lean on Him because He knows she's really going to need Him. To care less about what other people think of her. B...
Read more

On identity and belonging

 I've been feeling a little unsettled. Adrift. Unanchored? A planner without a plan....well, I have a loose one.  This week I left work in the NHS after 15 years, 14 of them at the same trust.  The same amount of time I was married.  As I removed my name plate from my clinic room door for the last time, I sat and looked at it for a while thinking about the fact that I don't identify as Mrs Townend any more.  I will never again say the words "Hello I'm Sarah Townend, one of the lead optometrists here"....and I feel relief about that, because that isn't who I am.  But who am I then? I don't feel I belong with the Townends. I don't feel a part of that family now. When we visit them I don't feel relaxed like I'm with family, I feel reserved and closed off,  I'm wearing a mask for them.  I don't feel like a Mrs, because I'm not a wife.   That may surprise some, I know a lot of widows still consider themselves married to their late spouse...
Read more