Birthday parties

Oliver had a friend's birthday party today. We had a nice time.  Now I'm now emotionally drained. I feel really sad, angry, and resentful that I have to do these things alone now.  Every parent there today went alone, apart from the birthday boy's parents, but all the others would go home to that second adult to help them deal with the hyperactive sugar-fuelled small child.  I joked with a few of them that it was their turn this week, since there was another party last weekend, leaving unsaid the obvious point that I no longer get to take turns.  And the next time Oliver is the birthday boy? Well, I will be doing that alone too, on top of dealing with the emotion of his dad not seeing him turn six, and knowing we will be just a month away from the anniversary. I know I can't live my life always looking ahead to the next hard thing...... But I did not sign up for this. I miss being a team. I miss the man I married. I'm exhausted. I just want to scream. None of this is my fault yet I'm the one left to pick up the pieces.  It. Is. Not. Fair. 
I so badly need to sleep but I know I'm going to struggle tonight. Enough already.

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