Work: I'm ready...and I'm not

It's a set back day. That's all. I need to remember to rationalise this. 

I've been doing so well. I've planned out (as planning is my nature) and agreed with my manager what I think returning to work will look like in terms of a slow phased return next month. K and I agreed this week that we will let out the leash a little bit and I will see him next in two weeks, not one.  I realised during the session that I hadn't used my blog all week...because I hadn't needed to. Anxiety has not got the better of me at all this week, and I've guided Oliver out of his own meltdowns faster and with less shouting than before. Go me! I thought, maybe I really have "got this".

So today. Today I had a "routine, tick box exercise" call with occy health.  Supposedly to make sure the trust is supporting me and doing everything right by me.  Well, I thought they were, until that call.  The matronly sounding nurse patronised the hell out of me, questioned why I was currently signed off until April, ("though it isn't for me to question your GP" she added)...why I thought I needed to wait another month before trying to return? Helpfully pointing out that really she is very experienced with people who have been bereaved and the best thing "for my health" would be to get back as soon as possible.  It's fantastic, she thinks, that I'm doing a trial afternoon next week and her recommendation no less, would be to go back the following week.  Why did I feel I need to be off until March? she asked. "We are only just into February now"  For mental health I replied.   I felt obliged to justify myself and explain that this is not an ordinary bereavement. "I haven't lost an elderly uncle to a heart attack. My 39 year old husband and father of my 5 year old son went and killed himself and left me to pick up the f-ing pieces alone...is that a good enough reason you insensitive stuck up crone?".  Ok. I did not say that. But I kinda wish I had. 

Instead I mumbled that it was my husband I'd lost, that he had taken his own life and that I really feel I need just a bit longer since although I'm "not a doctor" (as she established at the start of the call), I do have a highly responsible clinical job and I'm terrified of making a mistake.   To her credit she did concede that I should be non patient facing to begin with ("is there anything else you can do dear?") 

F. Off.  Clearly she knew nothing about me, the job I do, or the situation, and yet her "recommendations" about my imminent return will be sent to my line manager and HR.  Fortunately my line manager is not a knob. No idea about HR. 

Alongside the anxiety it provoked, the call got me thinking.  It's been 4 months since he died. And she was implying I'd been off long enough already and really ought to be getting back to normal now.  Has she met my mother in law I wonder? My life has been totally turned upside down, I've lost my life partner in shocking and horrific circumstances, everything has changed or shifted in some way and suddenly I have the responsibility of two people on one set of shoulders. And 4 months is apparently quite long enough to process that and return to normality.  Except nothing is normal, is it?  Nobody batted an eyelid when I took a year's maternity leave, plus annual leave tagged on the end to a total of 14 months. Both events have been totally life altering and yet both are being viewed completely differently by society and the expectations placed upon me therein. 

Oh, and then the police emailed with an update. Marvellous. Trigger central. 



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