Alone

One of the worst things about single life, for me, is not having anyone to tell when I feel low. Yes, I can call or text family or friends, but it's just not the same as having that person to sit with you and hold you and make you feel safe, and that's it's going to be OK.  I'm that person for Oliver, I don't have that person for me.  He's gone, and left me feeling anything but safe, every emotion apart from everything's going to be OK.

The anxiety is back.  Not with a vengeance; it's not as bad as it was before Christmas, but more with a poke in the back, a sneer. Like a  playground bully it's always lurking around the corner waiting to step into my path and spoil my day.

Im not sure what's triggered it. But I've woken the last three mornings with the shallow breath, the racing heart, the feeling of unease and fear. Adrenaline surges and I realise I'm clenching my jaw again. And again. And again.  I am putting it down to my approaching phased return to work.  Last week's trial afternoon did not go as well as I'd hoped, and I am very torn over whether I am ready to try and return or not.  K thinks I'm not, and that I'm reverting back to my usual position of what I feel I should do so as not to let other people down, rather than thinking primarily about what is best for me.  He suggests going back to the basics of a for and against list.  I will get onto that tomorrow.

It's tempting to propose a phased return starting at home. That negates the overwhelm caused by being in the building and seeing all the people. So many people. It's comparable to that disastrous supermarket trip in the early weeks.  But why is it? These are mostly people I've known for years.   But working from home is not actually then phasing me back in properly is it? I'm just kicking the can down the road.. Let's face it, I've emotionally checked out from the job, I'm not ever going to wake up and think yes, today I want to go back.  

I'm hoping it will become clearer over the next few days which is the correct path.   Whilst the anxiety is bad I can't make decisions about the immediate future.  I know I want to retrain, I can see what I will be doing in 5 years, but not in 5 days, or 5 weeks. Odd. Maybe that tells me the answer.

I wish he was here to tell me the answer.   For all his faults he did have a rational head and he had my back.   I miss him. So much. 

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