Ramblings of a Reluctant Widow

"Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy"  A meme that frequently pops up on my social media feeds due to the groups I'm a member of.  It's true though.  Oliver told me the other day he had dreamt I was running a race carrying an elephant....and that is pretty much how it feels.  I'm carrying so much and I'm exhausted. I'm back at work and it is as I expected it would be.  ie "Oh great you're back...here's all the responsibility you had before you left and all the things that haven't happened since you've been gone and I'll be in my office if you need me....." My boss has been super supportive and understanding whilst I've been off, and has acquiesced every request I've made to help me return (change of days, term time only) but at the end of the day it's the NHS and if you're in, you're in and it's busy.  My colleagues would all say I'm doing great.  The truth is I am runni...

I'm sat on a bench in dappled shade in the church yard of the church Mark and I were married in.  The breeze is blowing gently, it is unseasonably warm for April. The only sound is birdsong. In front of me I can see Mark's grave, to my right is Bertie's; God's house is behind me. As the tears fall I'm thanking God for sunglasses. How apt to be here on Easter Saturday, the day between death and resurrection. The day of dispair, grief, confusion, anxiety. The day of 'what just happened?' and of 'where do we go from here?' the day the world lives in now as we wait for Christ's return. The day my life is in now. As I sat here just now, weeping and crying out to God to help me I was imagining Bertie and Mark sat either side of me in a family hug. I became aware of The Lord telling me that He has felt everything I feel. He has experienced betrayal, grief, fear, loss and righteous anger. He has been broken in body and spirit.  He knows. His heart breaks...

Today I went into work again, third afternoon of my phased return, and the first time I didn't cry!  I enjoyed using my brain and felt that I coped well. But, I'm aware that it was only three hours and quire removed from a 'normal' day in clinic in terms of the stress level and pressure.  So whilst I'm pleased with how this afternoon went, I'm still worried about how I'm going to cope when I'm no longer in the 'phased' stage of my return.. And I got home and really wanted to tell Mark all about it, how I'm glad it went well and how I'm still worried.  He would respond  'that's becuase you're awesome' to me telling him it went well, then give me a hug as I confided my fears. He would make me feel better, reassured and confident. I miss that, oh so much. Raeding to Oliver tonight he pointed to a picture of a rainbow, and a snail. He said they reminded him  of daddy and was sad we couldn't go pond dipping with him again.....