Easter Saturday

I'm sat on a bench in dappled shade in the church yard of the church Mark and I were married in.  The breeze is blowing gently, it is unseasonably warm for April. The only sound is birdsong. In front of me I can see Mark's grave, to my right is Bertie's; God's house is behind me. As the tears fall I'm thanking God for sunglasses. How apt to be here on Easter Saturday, the day between death and resurrection. The day of dispair, grief, confusion, anxiety. The day of 'what just happened?' and of 'where do we go from here?' the day the world lives in now as we wait for Christ's return. The day my life is in now.

As I sat here just now, weeping and crying out to God to help me I was imagining Bertie and Mark sat either side of me in a family hug. I became aware of The Lord telling me that He has felt everything I feel. He has experienced betrayal, grief, fear, loss and righteous anger. He has been broken in body and spirit.  He knows. His heart breaks with mine.

One most human and  relatable verses in the bible is also the shortest:

John 11:35. Jesus wept.

But he also forgave..again and again and again. Mark, me, you, us all. My human heart needs help with that bit.  

I'm thankful that I don't have to grieve like those who do not hope.   I'm so grateful for my faith and the assurances it gives me.  

But still I will weep. 







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Checking in with myself

 My counsellor is on holiday this week and I'm away next week, so I'll be missing 3 sessions. She advised me to take some time to check in with myself and see how I am doing, as I usually would with her.  Because I find that if i just think it, the thoughts stay in my head, I'll write them down here.  That approach forces me to be honest with the people who care enough to read this, as if you ask me directly I am likely to say "I'm OK".  It has been an up and down couple of weeks. Well, when isn't it? Life has been ticking along as it does, we are mostly into our groove now, Oliver and I.  It's the school holidays and we are enjoying spending time together.   Considering in the early weeks the weekends felt long and daunting, this is great news.  We have had a couple of events that hilighted Mark's absence. Our 15th wedding anniversary passed by quietly, because I made sure it did. I took Oliver out for the day and kept busy. I braced myself for a...
Read more

What would I say to her?

A Facebook memory came up today, a picture of me at Christmas 14 years ago.  My first thought - wow she looks young was s quickly followed by the realisation that the picture pre dates the toughest decade of my life.  ' She ' isn't ' me '. She is untouched by grief and loss. She hasn't felt betrayal or abandonment. She is a newly wed with no idea that she will bury her baby and her husband before middle age.   I wondered what I would say to her if I could go back and visit her?  Would I tell her of the unspeakable grief she had ahead of her? No.  I would let her keep her innocence as long as she could.   I think I would tell her to believe in herself more because she is a warrior.  That life is short so seize every opportunity.  To make plans but hold them lightly because life so rarely goes to plan.  Talk to God more, lean on Him because He knows she's really going to need Him. To care less about what other people think of her. B...
Read more

On identity and belonging

 I've been feeling a little unsettled. Adrift. Unanchored? A planner without a plan....well, I have a loose one.  This week I left work in the NHS after 15 years, 14 of them at the same trust.  The same amount of time I was married.  As I removed my name plate from my clinic room door for the last time, I sat and looked at it for a while thinking about the fact that I don't identify as Mrs Townend any more.  I will never again say the words "Hello I'm Sarah Townend, one of the lead optometrists here"....and I feel relief about that, because that isn't who I am.  But who am I then? I don't feel I belong with the Townends. I don't feel a part of that family now. When we visit them I don't feel relaxed like I'm with family, I feel reserved and closed off,  I'm wearing a mask for them.  I don't feel like a Mrs, because I'm not a wife.   That may surprise some, I know a lot of widows still consider themselves married to their late spouse...
Read more