Past, present, future?

"Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy"  A meme that frequently pops up on my social media feeds due to the groups I'm a member of.  It's true though.  Oliver told me the other day he had dreamt I was running a race carrying an elephant....and that is pretty much how it feels. 

I'm carrying so much and I'm exhausted. I'm back at work and it is as I expected it would be.  ie "Oh great you're back...here's all the responsibility you had before you left and all the things that haven't happened since you've been gone and I'll be in my office if you need me....." My boss has been super supportive and understanding whilst I've been off, and has acquiesced every request I've made to help me return (change of days, term time only) but at the end of the day it's the NHS and if you're in, you're in and it's busy.  My colleagues would all say I'm doing great.  The truth is I am running on adrenaline and muscle memory.  My heart is screaming "RESIGN" and my head is so scared of making a mistake.

You see, I just don't trust my judgement any more. I've always been so driven, not a quitter, go after my goals with tenacity until I achieve them.  I wanted to be married- tick at 24; an optometrist -tick also at 24 (after doing two degrees to achieve it) I wanted a family- bereavement, heartbreak, secondary infertility and IVF later....tick at 34.  I wanted a second child......IVF again.....no tick because he checked out.   What was it all for? I'm now pushing 40, widowed, lone parenting, hating my job.  Questioning every big life decision I have made up til now.   Is this a mid life crisis? Or grief? Or normal? What we want at 17, 20, 24, 30....is not the same as at 40.  It isn't grief. I wasn't happy at work for the last few years but was stuck.  Not I have the opportunity to change.....so why am I so scared to do it? 

I'm walking around in a quagmire. I have a constant lump in my chest and a weight on my shoulders and I really want to shout 'I AM NOT OK!!' To everyone else I look like I'm functioning normally but I feel like I'm ready to collapse. I told someone yesterday that Mark had died in September, she asked how, I said he took his own life. I haven't had to tell anyone for a while. She was shocked of course, and said 'what, September 2021?'. When I said yes, she was astounded. 'I had no idea, you seem as though everything is totally normal'.

Yes, yes I do, don't I? And there lies the rub.

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