How's your sleep?

I've been asked this question many times over the past few weeks, and it's a fair one.  How are you sleeping? Are you managing to sleep?, How's sleep going? Or a variation of these. 

So how is my sleep? Well, I'm starting to get some. Average probably 4-6 hours a night.  Takes me back to the crazy new born days when a stretch of 4 hours meant I could function the next day.  It's not actually sleep that's the issue you see, it's the waking up.

Every time I wake up, I remember: He's gone. Forever. 

I'm trying to remember how long that lasted after Bertie died. At which day/week/month did his absence stop being the first conscious thought of every day?....or was it years? I can't remember.  I thought I had an advantage over grief this time, having done it before.  Seems I was wrong. I'm just as clueless, my arms flailing as I try and tread water...only it's not water it's treacle. 

I'm struggling with the thought that he no longer physically exists. I wasn't expecting that.  Bertie is buried, so some physical form of him is still there, even a decade on and it weirdly brings comfort even though it changes  nothing...I can't hold him or see him or talk to him.  But I know he is there, or at least his bones are.  Mark and I agreed when we made our wills that if we died young, we would want to be cremated and then interred close to Bertie. So that's what I've done for Mark.  So he's gone, physically as well as spiritually. He no longer exists on Earth. He's a box of ash. It's hard to get my head around it.  

So stupid.  I was feeling low last night and just wanting a hug from my husband and it occurred to me. His arms do not exist any more. there's nothing to hug.  And it's stupid because if we had buried him, I still couldn't have that hug so what difference does it make? But somehow it makes all the difference.

I shouldn't regret following his wishes, but I do.  Now I have another day to wait on, another ritual to observe. Another final goodbye.  I'll be glad I hope, in time to come, to have a place to go to, and have that place be with Bertie.  Ever the practical one....I can do them both together!  But right now its so raw and it hurts oh so much and it's just too much to carry on my own.

 

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