It's been good....but

On the widows group I'm now part of (yay, another club nobody wants to join has welcomed me with opened arms....woop woop!) they term non-widows "muggles". There are posts most days starting with "I can't post this on muggle Facebook, I know you guys'll get it....."  I've just typed and deleted a post on muggle Facebook. I just can't say what I need to say there, not without regret anyway.

If I was going to post it'd be:
I've had a good day today! I saw my boss and had a great chat about my thoughts on how it might look when I feel ready to return to work. She's open to my suggested plan to enable a manageable work/life balance. I'm so lucky to have her! Plus had a lunch time walk with a good friend who then helped me get the Christmas decorations out of the loft. 

But I'd then want to add:
But, there's also that deep deep hurt that just won't go away. A physical pain in my chest. I feel so let down by people who really should have supported me and haven't. I don't know what the future holds for these relationships.  Tears are just under the surface and honestly I could just sit and howl.

But I can't. Because muggle Facebook doesn't know how to respond to that.  I have to post the light and not the dark to keep it acceptable.  We will take the good but you keep the bad to yourself, thanks. 

I know that's unfair and there are friends do want to hear it all....but this is a more palatable place to put it.  Even here I can't really say what I want to say in its entirety. So I continue to carry it alone. Continue to wear the mask.  Just......continue.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Checking in with myself

 My counsellor is on holiday this week and I'm away next week, so I'll be missing 3 sessions. She advised me to take some time to check in with myself and see how I am doing, as I usually would with her.  Because I find that if i just think it, the thoughts stay in my head, I'll write them down here.  That approach forces me to be honest with the people who care enough to read this, as if you ask me directly I am likely to say "I'm OK".  It has been an up and down couple of weeks. Well, when isn't it? Life has been ticking along as it does, we are mostly into our groove now, Oliver and I.  It's the school holidays and we are enjoying spending time together.   Considering in the early weeks the weekends felt long and daunting, this is great news.  We have had a couple of events that hilighted Mark's absence. Our 15th wedding anniversary passed by quietly, because I made sure it did. I took Oliver out for the day and kept busy. I braced myself for a...
Read more

What would I say to her?

A Facebook memory came up today, a picture of me at Christmas 14 years ago.  My first thought - wow she looks young was s quickly followed by the realisation that the picture pre dates the toughest decade of my life.  ' She ' isn't ' me '. She is untouched by grief and loss. She hasn't felt betrayal or abandonment. She is a newly wed with no idea that she will bury her baby and her husband before middle age.   I wondered what I would say to her if I could go back and visit her?  Would I tell her of the unspeakable grief she had ahead of her? No.  I would let her keep her innocence as long as she could.   I think I would tell her to believe in herself more because she is a warrior.  That life is short so seize every opportunity.  To make plans but hold them lightly because life so rarely goes to plan.  Talk to God more, lean on Him because He knows she's really going to need Him. To care less about what other people think of her. B...
Read more

On identity and belonging

 I've been feeling a little unsettled. Adrift. Unanchored? A planner without a plan....well, I have a loose one.  This week I left work in the NHS after 15 years, 14 of them at the same trust.  The same amount of time I was married.  As I removed my name plate from my clinic room door for the last time, I sat and looked at it for a while thinking about the fact that I don't identify as Mrs Townend any more.  I will never again say the words "Hello I'm Sarah Townend, one of the lead optometrists here"....and I feel relief about that, because that isn't who I am.  But who am I then? I don't feel I belong with the Townends. I don't feel a part of that family now. When we visit them I don't feel relaxed like I'm with family, I feel reserved and closed off,  I'm wearing a mask for them.  I don't feel like a Mrs, because I'm not a wife.   That may surprise some, I know a lot of widows still consider themselves married to their late spouse...
Read more