Out the mouth of babes

I've written before about how much better Oliver is at dealing with our loss than I am. He's so matter of fact about it.  I don't know if it's young vs older, boy vs girl or just his personality is more like his dad than me.   Either way I guess it's a good thing. No good would come from us both falling apart. I just wish I could have a bit of warning when he's about to say something that will throw me off kilter.

Example. We were walking home from a birthday party on Saturday and he had some bubbles in his party bag.  "Let's blow some bubbles to daddy!" he declares opening up the tub.  What a lovely idea! I reply and we watch them out of sight with me secretly hoping they don't burst before they are out of sight so I can let him believe daddy will catch them.  I did well, just a silent tear, no sobs or audible cries....but he noticed. Of course he did. My wonderful, kind, perceptive boy always notices.  And tells it like it is. "When you die, you'll be happy because you'll be together with daddy again".  Oh my goodness. Cue me falling over myself to reassure him that that won't be for a very long time and he will be a grown up and have children of his own if that's what he chooses for his life.   Yes he does want to be a daddy he says. I'm glad I say, and I want to be around to meet your children.  Yes he says. And we will have to tell them all about my daddy won't we?

And that's the crux of it.  He's going to miss so much. Everything.  Oliver is five years old. Five. His entire life ahead without his dad.  Somehow I have to pick up and carry on and make a happy life for just the two of us until he makes it -I hope and pray- to successful adulthood

"I wish daddy's mind hadn't been poorly"

Me too my love. Oh so much.

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