Too much, too soon?

Riding on the high of yesterday I thought I was on a roll. I put together a meal plan for the next few days, curated a shopping list including Christmas gifts for the family and headed off into town to buy it all. 

The plan was to get Christmas boxed off in November so I don't have to be out there amongst all the December crazies when I'm likely to be going a different kind of crazy myself.  

"I'm doing welI" I thought, so proud of myself. "Get me, out and about in town like a normal grown up person with my to do list and everything."  I really shouldn't have glossed over the parking in the wrong car park for a start thing, that was a clear warning my head was not doing so well as I wanted to believe.

Anyhoo, I moved the car then off I toddled to get everything I needed. A few shops and I'd be done.  Easy. By the time I got to Tesco I was struggling. I did it, but boy was it hard. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. People.... noise... everywhere. I remembered how it felt to be in a supermarket after Bertie died. My nemesis I called it.  But that made sense, babies and triggers everywhere then.  What was it this time?...it's not like there are loved up couples canoodling in the bread aisle.  Sensory overload maybe? Just too much for a brain already teetering on the edge of holding it together to handle. This must be how it is for autistic people all the flippin' time. I'll try to remember that in future if and when I ever manage to go back to work.  That certainly felt like a very distant goal today.

The tears came in the car.  I remember that too. Lots of drives I've survived on a wing and a prayer. I wouldn't recommend crying whilst driving if you can help it. I couldn't help it then and I can't help it now.   Lucky God seems to have got my back.  I talk to Him in the car too. Seems to be my safe space.....funny choice of safe space-several thousand kg of fast moving metal operating under my control when I feel anything but in control, but there you have it. I've survived 100% of my cry-drives so far.


Told you I'd be rambling.

 

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