Christmas eve

 It's christmas eve. Somehow we have got here, nearly three months without him. I'm suprised at how OK I am feeling.  After the past couple of weeks of crippling anxiety and almost daily panic attacks, today I feel better. Being back at my parents and being looked after has been such a tonic for my heart. For a couple of weeks, it's not all on me. I get to lay in, have some head space and not worry about solicitors or bills or running a house. And breathe. It is needed, I was headed for a breakdown. 


With the help of my counsellor I've let go of toxic relationships that were not helping Oliver and were just adding to my anxiety and pain.  I've written letters I will never send to these people and got all the anger and hurt out of my head and onto paper..


I saw sonethig this morning that really resonated.

'your anger is the part of you that knows your  mistreatment was unacceptable. Your anger knows, you deserve to be treated well and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that loves you:


So true. I do deserve to be treated well. My low self esteem tries to tell me otherwise, and keeps me running around after people who are no good for me. Well now I'm working on that, on myself and showing Oliver what self care should look like. 


Anxiety hasn't completely left the building though, as evidenced by my jumping a mile when a man said 'excuse me' behind me whilst paying for parking earlier. He just wanted to know if it said to enter the last 3 digits of your reg as he didn't have his glasses on! 


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