Lies

I am a liar.  I tell lies every day. I've reached the point of hiding how I am so as to avoid being a broken record, hard to talk to, boring, difficult. So I pretend I'm better than I am. That decade-old mask has been dusted off and put firmly back in place. It's easier to wear this time as I'm well practiced. 

The truth is I am having good days. I had a lovely Saturday with visiting friends and actually went out for dinner and theatre.  I shared about it on facebook.  What I didn't share was on Sunday I had a panic attack at the church community carol service.  I went alone and looked around at all the families and just well....panicked.  Anxiety has been sky high ever since. At my appointment on Monday I told my therapist that I was struggling with anxiety, he said yes I can see that.  Within minutes of waking my heart is racing and I'm struggling to control my breathing.  I know what i need to do, I count my breaths, exhale longer than inhale relaxation exercises etc etc.

I'm on constant fight or flight mode and have been for so long now that I'm exhausted. I just want to lay down and let the lion eat me. 

 

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