Finding balance

I had every intention of coming here to write something positive. Whilst this space is for me, I am aware that people are reading it, and I'm also aware that I primarily write to process hard feelings. So I wanted to bring some balance. And I will, in a minute.  I've been doing my homework exercise my counselor set me. To avoid repetitive use of the word counselor, I will henceforth call him K. No, he's not a 'man in black', but he is kinda cool in that he's one of just three men in my life right now who regularly make me feel better.   So, K asked me to complete some sentences about grief, and where I'm at right now. I'm not sure yet what the purpose of this is but I'm guessing it's to prompt discussion next session.   I've been busy today with various distractions so I've just sat down to look at it this evening. Probably not best timing, as I'm already feeling exhausted and teetering on the edge of a dip, but then again perhaps that's the perfect time to do it and get real answers. The grief answers; not the angry ones, or the 'I'm doing ok' ones.

I'll share them here, so I can look back at them. Last time I found the looking back almost as helpful as the blog itself. It became a testimony of loss, but also growth.


So there we are. How I am in 9 sentences.  I'm sad, I miss being a wife, sharing the load and  being loved by a partner. He's given me a new worst memory, taught me that I can't plan everything (FYI dear, I already knew that, I just liked to try, OK?) and left a lot of people with a hole in their support team.  

It really is quite extraordinarily awful. 

So, to balance. Alongside exploring grief, K and I are working on my self esteem. I'll give you a clue:it's low.  It has always been low and life's knocks have done nothing but hammer it further.   So, homework part two was to come up with three things that I like and/or admire about myself. I had to laugh when he said this, because my instant gut reaction was to cheat and ask my friends for help.   I did ask for help and received some seriously lovely, esteem boosting and often surprising responses. I have fabulous people around me, who, it appears, think I'm pretty fabulous too.  Just gotta start believing I'm fabulous myself. Tricky.   Anyway, I did come up with my own three things and have dutifully written them on a post it note and stuck it to the bathroom mirror. Nothing too outrageous, just stuff I can and do believe about myself, even on my worst days. 



Next step: stop with the self deprecating humour.  But that's the only way I'm funny! I did hear a good joke at Oliver's taekwando class last night. What type of key opens a banana? A monkey! 

Jokes in a grief blog. She's going barmy.


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