In all things.....

Midnight. Unable to sleep. A series of flashbacks of things endured (the last time I saw him/the police at my door/them telling me what he'd done/my screams/the interment) and imagined (his final moments/how he was found) running like a film through my mind. A big, ugly cry. Panic. Who do I turn to in this moment? Who can I justify waking up right now? I felt so very alone.  My bed empty. Nobody to see I was in crisis. I almost phoned the Samaritans, but feared I'd be incoherent.

So I turned to my daily devotional book, a Christmas gift from friends. Possibly not in the way I'd intended but the book was a good choice of distraction as I'm calm now after laughing at myself trying to read the infuriatingly small print in the half light.  Better test myself for a reading add I thought....

It reminded me of something I forgot to write about. Notice how blogging is a bit like consumer feedback... The complaints come a lot more readily than the good stuff. Anyway. Romans 8:28.  That pesky verse I've detested for a decade, the one about God working all things for the good of those who love Him.   The one Christians trot out to people going through hardship and make you want to shove their bibles up their you know where. That one.

Well, a few weeks ago I finally got it. It was a night not unike tonight; unable to sleep I was talking (complaining) to God and He opened my eyes to what the verse is saying. 

... In all things God works for the good of those who love him.... 

In all things. In all things. In this thing. He's working. Fixing, making good come from it.  It doesn't mean this thing is good, or that God decided to work to make this happen because it's good for me. No. It's terrible. And, God's working in it. 

I so miss being a wife. Widowhood is pants. I miss being held tightly in strong reassuring arms. How can I be the strong reassuring arms for Oliver with nobody to hold me up? God's amazing. But He hasn't got arms. 




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