When a teddy triggers a torrent

Oliver was rooting around in his underbed storage draws earlier, and pulled out 'little bunny'; a jellycat rabbit gifted to him when he was born. Why do these things have to happen on fragile days? I was instantly transported back to those joyous days where we were finally holding our baby, life was good again, we were gonna be OK. Grief had taken a back seat for a while.  Little did I know just how short a while it would be.  Tears streaming, I tried to suppress the panic I could feel rising.  Whilst I'm OK with Oliver seeing me cry, in fact I consider it part of my parental duty to demonstrate that sharing our feelings is healthy, I'm not OK with him witnessing a panic attack. He's already afraid something is going to happen to me and when I left the room in case I failed to suppress it, he followed me to keep me in sight.   So I employed every mindful technique I could think of and managed to stay calm, whilst he set about finding and bringing me every cuddly toy in his room in order to try and cheer me up. He's such a love.

There seems to be a pattern. Good day/bad night/bad day. Yesterday was lovely. A very good day.  I had lunch out with a school mum whilst both kids were at a party, then another friend joined me for evening chat and games.  I knew I'd be having a bad night after, as I'd been busy and distracted all day. I can't bury the feelings for too long. I tried several guided mediations, prayers, devotionals etc, still I lay there wide awake in my empty bed watching the movie reel of trauma run of its own accord.  I don't press play, there is no stop or pause button.   The knock on effect is of course utter exhaustion the next day (today); the result of which being fragility, grief and anger at him leaving me with this life.  And so it goes on.

I have to decide tomorrow if I want to face the trauma with my counsellor-go 'in vivo' and try to desensitise myself to the flashbacks, or to focus instead on my low self esteem, which will be useful in tackling the feelings of self doubt (my ability to do this, return to work, be a good mum now I'm alone), and help me l realise my self worth (stopping chasing toxic relationships, that I deserve to find and be loved again). I don't know which route to take and of course I'm telling myself that whatever I decide will be the wrong option.  Perhaps there is my answer then. 

 

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