On doing it all

 How was your day? Today I've dropped Oliver to school, had a plumber in (so granted not physical work for me)cleaned out the fish tank, fed the cat, done and dried 2 loads of washing, planned meals for the week, done the weekly shop involving two supermarkets to get everything we need at the best possible price, used u switch to try and find a better broadband deal as ours is really expensive, collected Oliver from school, rushed him home to brush teeth then straight out to dentist. (his teeth are fine, I need a filling 🙄) dealt with his sadness (sulk) at getting a spiderman sticker (his favourite superhero) because apparently he wanted a batman one and sadly the dentist wasn't a mind reader. Provided endless snacks becuase 'mummy I'm still hungry'. Cooked from scratch, loaded the dishwasher, fed the cat again and mowed the lawn. Now I'm sat trying to engage with him playing a mindless game on his tablet becuase we haven't actually connected today on a meaningful level yet and it's nearly bedtime. I have work tomorrow afternoon and just feeling totally overwhelmed at thought. I just can't function at the level I used to at work. My manager has created and added me to yet another work wattsapp group, this one for 'ophthalmology managers'. I'm already in Optometry, Optometry Leads and Eye Support Leads. This just feels like Another Thing I Have To Do.  Be available. 24/7. For everything. I could just cry. Utterly exhausted.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Checking in with myself

 My counsellor is on holiday this week and I'm away next week, so I'll be missing 3 sessions. She advised me to take some time to check in with myself and see how I am doing, as I usually would with her.  Because I find that if i just think it, the thoughts stay in my head, I'll write them down here.  That approach forces me to be honest with the people who care enough to read this, as if you ask me directly I am likely to say "I'm OK".  It has been an up and down couple of weeks. Well, when isn't it? Life has been ticking along as it does, we are mostly into our groove now, Oliver and I.  It's the school holidays and we are enjoying spending time together.   Considering in the early weeks the weekends felt long and daunting, this is great news.  We have had a couple of events that hilighted Mark's absence. Our 15th wedding anniversary passed by quietly, because I made sure it did. I took Oliver out for the day and kept busy. I braced myself for a...
Read more

What would I say to her?

A Facebook memory came up today, a picture of me at Christmas 14 years ago.  My first thought - wow she looks young was s quickly followed by the realisation that the picture pre dates the toughest decade of my life.  ' She ' isn't ' me '. She is untouched by grief and loss. She hasn't felt betrayal or abandonment. She is a newly wed with no idea that she will bury her baby and her husband before middle age.   I wondered what I would say to her if I could go back and visit her?  Would I tell her of the unspeakable grief she had ahead of her? No.  I would let her keep her innocence as long as she could.   I think I would tell her to believe in herself more because she is a warrior.  That life is short so seize every opportunity.  To make plans but hold them lightly because life so rarely goes to plan.  Talk to God more, lean on Him because He knows she's really going to need Him. To care less about what other people think of her. B...
Read more

On identity and belonging

 I've been feeling a little unsettled. Adrift. Unanchored? A planner without a plan....well, I have a loose one.  This week I left work in the NHS after 15 years, 14 of them at the same trust.  The same amount of time I was married.  As I removed my name plate from my clinic room door for the last time, I sat and looked at it for a while thinking about the fact that I don't identify as Mrs Townend any more.  I will never again say the words "Hello I'm Sarah Townend, one of the lead optometrists here"....and I feel relief about that, because that isn't who I am.  But who am I then? I don't feel I belong with the Townends. I don't feel a part of that family now. When we visit them I don't feel relaxed like I'm with family, I feel reserved and closed off,  I'm wearing a mask for them.  I don't feel like a Mrs, because I'm not a wife.   That may surprise some, I know a lot of widows still consider themselves married to their late spouse...
Read more