Overwhelm

I've started my phased return to work. I've done two afternoons last week and will be doing two this week also.  I'm regretting it already.  On Wednesday I hid in my boss' office as she was offsite, did some mandatory training and cleared the emails. Had a big cry on a colleague and came home.  OK, day one, nobody expected much else.  Friday I attempted a clinic. Just virtual reviews so no actual patients in front of me, just records from when they had their diagnostics done and I needed to make decisions on whether to treat or not.  I managed 7 out of a clinic of 16. 7 reviews in three hours.  I've left them for my colleague to double check today because my confidence is shot and I am convinced I'm going to miss something. 

I just don't know how I'm going to cope with my full hours. The expectations and pressures on me in my role are big and it feels totally overwhelming right now.  Already I've had one consultant say "thank goodness you're back, we haven't had an MDT since you went off...you can whip us back into shape" and my manager has asked me to conduct interviews with her on Mark's 40th birthday, and wants to know when I'm going to finish my independent prescribing qualification. 

I'm in this week the 2 afternoons, then off for the Easter holidays, then its ramping up to 3 half days 'til the end of April (seeing patients in normal full clinics) then full three days from May, back to normal.

So it's as I knew it would be.  Lots of talk of very slow phased return and only doing what I can cope with, but the reality is I'm now seen as back and am expected to be performing as I was before a bomb went off under my life. 
I'm worried I'm going to hit burnout quite rapidly.  I won't get any let up from people needing something from me.  Yes I will have my precious 9-3 on a Monday and Tuesday while I'm off and Oliver is at school.  During which time I will have to do the housework, shopping, admin etc.   The rest of the week I will either be in a mentally demanding job, or lone parenting a 5 year old.  No evenings off, rare weekends off.  Where's the joy?

Parents evening last week informed me that Oliver is not coping as well as I had been led to believe either. He's displaying self soothing behaviours in the classroom (chewing his hands, banging his head, rocking) which his teachers don't know how to deal with.   Do I have any suggestions? Um, well not on the spot no! Perhaps if you'd told me this as soon as it started happening I could have some insight for you! Gees. Home and a cry and a new worry and nobody to discuss it with.  This is where lone parenting really sucks. Yes the day to day having to do everything is tough...but this, where there's an issue affecting your child, that's where you really want the second parent.  

I'm not super woman and I can't do it all. I can't spread myself so thin.  I don't want to do it all, or have it all. Sod the career, I wasn't enjoying it anyway.....but I have got to pay the bills. There has to be more to life than this. 

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