Depression

I'm still at a low ebb. Heading into week five of this current dip. It started with the inquest advanced disclosure arriving in my inbox and just hasn't lifted yet. I thought it would have by now. I'm not even sure it's just the inquest any more. 

I've done enough depression score questionnaires over the years to recognise that if I did one now I would probably score in the range of moderate depression and slight anxiety. I'm functioning, but not really enjoying life too much.  I'm wanting to avoid people for the most part;  Today I considered eating my lunch in the heat of my car because I wasn't sure I could deal with a staff room full of colleagues. 

I'm struggling to concentrate on anything at work. It took me much longer than usual to work through a list of reviews this morning (fortunately just reviewing diagnostics so nobody was kept waiting). This afternoon I sent a child home after I'd finished with her forgetting she was supposed to see the consultant too....the consultant who has a several months' long waiting list. 

Too many plates. And I'm out of spoons. 

On Saturday I was ready to run away.  Lone parenting is hard.   Lone parenting a young child whilst grieving, living with a chronic illness that hammers your energy levels and dealing with depression is just, well, not cricket!    I'm having less cry-drives now and more cathartic scream-drives. Probably not any safer but certainly more effective. 

At some point down the road of their new life, most widows stumble over the realisation that they are nobody's top priority.  I've hit that point this week too.

Can you imagine that?  Sure. I have parents who would move mountains for me. Lots of friends around me doing their best. I'm really not having a go at anyone here and I'm grateful for all of them.  But all I mean is, there isn't that one person who can and will drop anything and immediately come to my aid.  Everyone has their own lives and families and I'm not anybody else's responsibility.  A made up story to illustrate my point: A friend might agree to help me with something, she can fit me in three weeks on Tuesday. Only three weeks on Monday, something has come up with her family can we rearrange? Of course, can't be helped, not her fault at all....but it still stings. And the thing I needed help with has to wait again. A partner, someone for whom I'm the family. I'm the priority would have helped me on day one. But I don't have that person.  

My person left me. With too many plates and not enough spoons. 



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