Ramblings of a Reluctant Widow

  In her memoir about he husband's suicide,  Chase the Rainbow, Poorna Bell writes: "When someone you love dies.......you aren't just saying goodbye to them, you are saying goodbye to yourself. .....You slowly turn into something stronger. You realise what you have a choice over, and what you don't. You turn what you know into strength, you help others find theirs, and you are gifted a compassion that is so deep and limitless, at times it is the only thing that gives you peace. ......And although for a while it feels like this is all there will ever be, you look down and see you are different...." I am different. I'm trying to figure out who I am, who Sarah is after 22 years of being half of "Sarah and Mark" The couple so solid everyone thought we'd be the ones to make it til "death do us part" well we did....just a lot sooner than anyone expected.   So who am I now?  What I won't be, for very much longer, is a hospital optometrist....

"Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy"  A meme that frequently pops up on my social media feeds due to the groups I'm a member of.  It's true though.  Oliver told me the other day he had dreamt I was running a race carrying an elephant....and that is pretty much how it feels.  I'm carrying so much and I'm exhausted. I'm back at work and it is as I expected it would be.  ie "Oh great you're back...here's all the responsibility you had before you left and all the things that haven't happened since you've been gone and I'll be in my office if you need me....." My boss has been super supportive and understanding whilst I've been off, and has acquiesced every request I've made to help me return (change of days, term time only) but at the end of the day it's the NHS and if you're in, you're in and it's busy.  My colleagues would all say I'm doing great.  The truth is I am runni...

I'm sat on a bench in dappled shade in the church yard of the church Mark and I were married in.  The breeze is blowing gently, it is unseasonably warm for April. The only sound is birdsong. In front of me I can see Mark's grave, to my right is Bertie's; God's house is behind me. As the tears fall I'm thanking God for sunglasses. How apt to be here on Easter Saturday, the day between death and resurrection. The day of dispair, grief, confusion, anxiety. The day of 'what just happened?' and of 'where do we go from here?' the day the world lives in now as we wait for Christ's return. The day my life is in now. As I sat here just now, weeping and crying out to God to help me I was imagining Bertie and Mark sat either side of me in a family hug. I became aware of The Lord telling me that He has felt everything I feel. He has experienced betrayal, grief, fear, loss and righteous anger. He has been broken in body and spirit.  He knows. His heart breaks...

Today I went into work again, third afternoon of my phased return, and the first time I didn't cry!  I enjoyed using my brain and felt that I coped well. But, I'm aware that it was only three hours and quire removed from a 'normal' day in clinic in terms of the stress level and pressure.  So whilst I'm pleased with how this afternoon went, I'm still worried about how I'm going to cope when I'm no longer in the 'phased' stage of my return.. And I got home and really wanted to tell Mark all about it, how I'm glad it went well and how I'm still worried.  He would respond  'that's becuase you're awesome' to me telling him it went well, then give me a hug as I confided my fears. He would make me feel better, reassured and confident. I miss that, oh so much. Raeding to Oliver tonight he pointed to a picture of a rainbow, and a snail. He said they reminded him  of daddy and was sad we couldn't go pond dipping with him again.....

Twice in my life I've contemplated suicide. Both times I've thought of all the people who love me and realised I couldn't do it to them. In his book Reasons to Stay Alive, Matt Haig describes a similar experience. On the brink of jumping, he lists in his mind the people who love him. He wished in that moment that he didn't have anyone, because then he could jump and stop the pain. So why didn't Mark think that way? I know he thought about Oliver and I at the end, becuase he text me to tell me loved us.  So what then? Did he die thinking I didn't love him? I'd respond to a friend asking this that no, he didn't, he knew how much you loved him but his mind was sick and he died as a result of that sickness.  But I'm not my own friend, I'm in my own head over thinking and exhausted and greiving hard. So hard. 

 How was your day? Today I've dropped Oliver to school, had a plumber in (so granted not physical work for me)cleaned out the fish tank, fed the cat, done and dried 2 loads of washing, planned meals for the week, done the weekly shop involving two supermarkets to get everything we need at the best possible price, used u switch to try and find a better broadband deal as ours is really expensive, collected Oliver from school, rushed him home to brush teeth then straight out to dentist. (his teeth are fine, I need a filling 🙄) dealt with his sadness (sulk) at getting a spiderman sticker (his favourite superhero) because apparently he wanted a batman one and sadly the dentist wasn't a mind reader. Provided endless snacks becuase 'mummy I'm still hungry'. Cooked from scratch, loaded the dishwasher, fed the cat again and mowed the lawn. Now I'm sat trying to engage with him playing a mindless game on his tablet becuase we haven't actually connected today on a mea...

I've started my phased return to work. I've done two afternoons last week and will be doing two this week also.  I'm regretting it already.  On Wednesday I hid in my boss' office as she was offsite, did some mandatory training and cleared the emails. Had a big cry on a colleague and came home.  OK, day one, nobody expected much else.  Friday I attempted a clinic. Just virtual reviews so no actual patients in front of me, just records from when they had their diagnostics done and I needed to make decisions on whether to treat or not.  I managed 7 out of a clinic of 16. 7 reviews in three hours.   I've left them for my colleague to double check today because my confidence is shot and I am convinced I'm going to miss something.  I just don't know how I'm going to cope with my full hours. The expectations and pressures on me in my role are big and it feels totally overwhelming right now.  Already I've had one consultant say "thank goodness y...